fuck a friend.
seriously. I don’t really like anyone that much anymore.

honestly I feel things are different ; that they’ve changed & I hate it …
you didn’t tell me about what you did the previous night until the next day? you said I wasn’t your mom and I shouldn’t be keeping tabs on you … makes me wonder what else I don’t know… and the wondering makes me feel insecure. I trust you ; but there’s certain things * like that - that you can’t do without being doubted afterwards … just like I tried to go through your phone for the first time … and you acted a fool and gave me some bullshit reason about why I couldn’t see?
just typing this is making me cry … because things are different.
is there someone else? do you not love me anymore? did I do something wrong? you seem distant… and like you don’t want to be bothered with me anymore. and it hurts… you skip up chances to see me and that hurts too … its like you don’t care anymore ; and its tearing me apart. we argue so much more & you’re quick to blow up … you never used to…
I don’t know
… I just feel our relationship is changing … I feel like I’m loosing you … I’m scared …
so scared :/
I asked you if you still wanted forever … and you said as long as ill put up with you …
… you didn’t say you wanted forever anymore … and that broke my heart 3 
I love you … I really do .

Monday.

:/
I miss my Ian, Katie & my Nanny.
But I don’t wanna go home. Its odd. I miss home. But I don’t wanna go there.
I finally got to sleep at like 5 am.
& wake up to some stupid shit.
Can’t think of a movie to watch.
My stomach hurts like hell. I feel like imma puke. Smh. It sucks.

Monday, January 16th.

I don’t know. I feel lost?
I miss home. But don’t wanna go back… I don’t understand it?
Its crazy.

So today’s my anniversary. 6 months.
And I’m sittin’ at my boyfriends brothers.
I don’t wanna be here. it’s hot. I haven’t taken my meds. And Justin is bitchin’ cause I don’t wanna be here. I get him a present & he tosses it back at me… waste of $18.99 …
Smh. I guess I see how important I am…
Wanna cry… but I just can’t right now.

Today was hectic. And it’s only 4:00 pm.
I’m a Portland whore. So my boyfriend told me.
And all sorts of other terrible things. I guess I deserved it. Who knows.
But in my 17 year old way? I try to do all I can for him. I have a crappy minimum wage job. I get my paychecks. Try to buy him some ciggs or something. Maybe some weed to smoke. Ya know, little shit that should mean something to him. But today he told me when I get my paychecks I don’t do anything for him with my money. I guess that’s not enough. I try to spend all the time i can with him, I guess it’s not enough. I cut out everyone he didn’t like out my life pretty much, everyone he doesn’t approve of, I guess that isn’t enough.
And the shit he said today about “him” really bothered me…
I wish he’d understand I want him, and only him.
But I guess ill just never be good enough.

Point proven.

". . I deserve, certainly, the most extreme punishment society has and society deserves to be protected from me and from others like me, that’s for sure."

Ted Bundy

I just don’t like the bitch. Smh. It has nothin’ to do with trust. I just don’t like her. Plus when she said she couldn’t smoke with you cause I would get mad? You say “yea ik” like you wanted to but I’m in your way of smoking with your friend. Wtf? Smh.

Don’t say you thought you deleted her like a week ago when you know you’ve been seeing her on your newsfeed -_____-
You know you ain’t delete her. Smh.

Today I’ve just been up & down.
Smh :/
Just not in the mood…

Its nice to be able to look at someone & know that you can spend your life with them (:
I’m happy my boyfriend treats me good.

Justin’s sleeping.
Erg.
Wake up nigga!

Thursday

So…. today will go as followed.
Hang with Justin.
Get my meds from Kroger.
Hang with Justin.
Go home for a few hours.
And than hang with Justin.


Tada (:

I just wanna have a good day …


:/

Fathers day …
Hm
:/ about to be a sad as day .
Layin’ here w/ mi amor .
Don’t know how my emotions are about to be today …
Hm :/